train back to toronto
wrote in december 2022 when i was particularly depressed
I want to walk along the rail road tracks somewhere beautiful— not here. But since I am here I get on the train and I watch my old life pass me by and I see the bridge I sat on top of one winter night thinking what it would be like to fall into the river below. I see my old best friends house and I want to cry because I will never be sixteen again and I will never be her best friend. I see the apartment complex where I used to go to get high and I see the house my dad lived in when him and mom first split up. I see the creek I used to go to when I needed to get out of the house and I see the beach where some bodies washed up a few years back. I see the pieces of an old life but it feels far away like it’s not mine. I passed by the ice rink where I went on my first date and I really liked him and he cheated on me. It's industrial and ugly around here and the roads are winding and don’t make sense. I got lost driving in circles here before. I passed the jail that I always used to pass on the 111 bus to my friends house. She was weird and I didn’t like her. I see the park my friends and I went to to watch the sunrise before they left the city The train goes past my ex boyfriends backyard and I hate him and I hope he goes to jail and gets beat up every morning. When the tracks run beside the Gardiner I want the train to speed up and go faster and faster than all of the cars and all the people in the cars would think ‘wow I should have taken the train its so much faster’ now the train is going faster and I wonder is anyone is thinking they should’ve taken the train. There’s a big Christmas tree at the hospital and it makes me kinda sad because the hospital is miserable during the holidays. I remember bringing grandad turkey when he was at the hospital because the food is so shit. And I remember when the hospital ordered Swiss chalet on the 23rd because trying to kill yourself around Christmas is extra depressing. I don’t wanna go home. I don’t wanna go to my home I don’t wanna go to anyones home. I want to throw my things in the river and I want to throw myself in after them. As long as the world is grey I am grey and grey is miserable. Even the mud here is grey and everything is made of concrete.